Two years ago there was a huge hole or void as you will in my heart. It was dark, sad and lonely in that hole. I thought that it would stay with me forever and haunt me for the rest of my life. You all remember the journey we took that year back in 2010. It was the hardest journey a mother could ever make. And still is....there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it....or shed a tear. How could I ever forget that journey or the day that it ended so to speak....but really it had just began. We were thrilled to know that we would welcome a new baby into our family....months went by of planning and growing. Then came the news that our baby was sick...weeks long weeks went by not knowing what would happen next and then it happened....the day I will never forget the day that left that huge hole that void that awful emptiness in side. He was gone....my baby was gone. Months went by after we buried our Evan Daniel....but the pain, sadness, loneliness and emptiness was still there. I couldn't go anywhere without seeing babies and feeling that sharp pain of emptiness. I carried it for a very long time....it hurt for a very long time....and to this day it is still there but only from time to time.
The day came in the summer of 2011 when that void would be filled.....the only thing was I was not planning on it at the time. This void was filled in a sneak attack.....but we were thrilled none the less. I was pregnant! My heart and mind were are a whirl with feelings of love, hope and also so much fear. The kinda of fear that never goes away until it is over and done. As my belly grew so did my fears...the first hurtle of fear to jump was the 20 week ultra sound. We passed it with flying colors....no sign of hydrops or anything else either...just a healthy baby! The second hurtle of fear to jump was the 26 week mark.....that was the week Evan's heart just couldn't go any farther and he left us. That week came and went....this little guy was still with us. I began to breath easier and began to think positive about this beautiful little boy but......I was still very afraid! Nothing in this life is guaranteed to us.....he could still be taken away from us at any moment. I stressed my fears to the Doctor and he understood why.....since he had been through all my pregnancies with me before. So precautions were taken to watch our little man grow.
On May 7th 2012 at 9:42pm our family became 6 and our precious Prince# 5 joined our family. He came in at 6lbs 12oz 19 inches.
 |
| Prince# 5 |
 |
| Benjamin Evan |
Prince#1 acts like he don't care he is here....but remember he is 13. Prince#2 wasn't so sure what to think of his new baby brother.....it took him 2 days to warm up to him and finally hold him. He said "he is pretty cute can I hold him now?"
 |
| I guess we will keep him! |
And Prince#3 well let's just say that he was so excited we brought him home he said "Momma you baby is sooooo cute!" (with his big cheesy grin) And you can't do anything with out Prince#3 knowing "why" or "what is you baby doing"!
 |
| Classic Prince#3 smile |
 |
| My Princes |
So you see that hole or that void that I had is no longer as big or as deep. It will never truly go away.....I could never replace the love I have for my Evan Daniel or that I miss him everyday.....even though his time with us was very short. That hole or void is where he belongs and he always will. Nothing or no one can replace him. But the pain is much more of ache these days and the emptiness it's self is gone! We have come a long way in our journey that began 2 years ago......but it is slowly becoming something so much more!
No comments:
Post a Comment