There are days I miss him!

Today seems to be one of those days......I watch my princes and I miss him. I think about him and wonder if he would have looked like them. I watch them grow with each passing day and wish I could watch him grow too. It has only been 6 months.....can you believe that...6 months....some day's it seems like yesterday. As much as I love my boys I do feel smothered at times...especially when prince #2 and #3 want to sit with me at the same time....really boys my lap is not that big!! But I would give anything to be smothered by one more. Today was just one of those days where my Evan Daniel was missed!
Everyone says it gets better with time.....and I know it does...I mean it already has a lot believe me....but there will always be a piece of my heart that is missing....no one else can full it or fix it. Someone once said that he and his wife had lost their grown daughter and he was walking behind his wife and he looked at her and said to himself "she is just a shell of the woman she use to be!" She was never to be the same woman again.
To lose someone you love is hard enough on anyone....but there is something that happens to a mother that loses a child (at any age) that changes that woman. There is always a piece of her missing somewhere..and no amount of time can change that.....EVER!!
Well now that I have said that.....really I needed to say all that...it was just one of those days! I thought I would share a few pic's.......and today I thought I would share pic's of all the males in this house (well except hubby). This first pic is one of my many fave of prince #2....this is our aka Linus...see the infamous blue blankie! This blankie goes everywhere he does....hence Linus! 

Prince #2 aka Linus

Now folks don't be fooled by this cute innocent looking, smiling face.....because he is not that innocence...let me tell you! This kid may look sweet but can and will bully his 12 yr old brother and literally pin his 3yr old brother down on the floor by his hair! All the while screaming bloody murder making you think that he is the victim!! Yes folks beware the cute grin!!

Prince #3..."love me"   mawhahaha

Yes this is my oldest prince...and yes it does look like stitch is trying to swallow him up!!Those who want to pray for me may do so now!! "Dear Lord....please help me keep my sanity!!"

Prince #1.....(sigh)

Now remember I live with 3 more males........I have 2 cats both males. 1st we have Toby...all I can really say about Toby is he is prince #2's kitty and well let just say he is a lot like his owner. 2nd we have Oliver....and well he is prince #1's kitty and well he is just like his owner! And when I say like I mean just like...it is eerie! And yes that is Toby sitting in a chair....these 2 cats will indeed sit in a chair rather than on the ground!!!

Toby

And then there is Oliver.........this one was taken not to long after we got them.....and yes he is sitting in my lap......a very pregnant lap (Evan was in there). Both of these cats love to lay in my lap, back, tummy...well just about anywhere on me!! More smothering!

Oliver

And last but not least our Dog.......Scooby.....yes he is named after Scooby Doo...prince #1 was very much into watching this show at 7 yrs old and so this is what he named the dog!

Scooby Doo

 I think I will share just 2 more pic's......these are of Scooby and Toby.....and mind you.....they are as bad as the kids when it comes to this.......

Waiting for their mommy!

 Yes they are sitting by the bathroom door waiting for me to come out!!! Now I thought that it was bad enough to have small children beating down the door, yelling at you thru the door and even the occasional fingers under the door......but come on now......meowing and scratching at the door........LORD HELP ME!!

Still waiting on their Mommy!

                                                                THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!!!

Painted Faces!

Well after having written Evan's story a few days ago...I needed a breather. Sitting here typing and remembering all the things we went through took me 4 hours......yes I said 4 hours! And it drained me both physically and emotionally so I needed to regroup. So here I am again but this time I will share a few pictures of the fun my princes had letting there Auntie paint on them.....she has many a talents and this seems to be another one! She started with victim number one.....I mean Prince #2.

The fun begins!

My Niece..my Sis was glad to get to practice her girl face painting.

I love this pic of her....she is a beauty!

Prince #1

Prince #1 again

Again.......got a shot of Sis in action!

Prince #2 again

Prince #1

My Nephew

Niece again

 Now this was just the first day......I have a few more from this day but Sis was just starting and the first few were well......1st tries...I will leave it at that! Now I will share the picture's from the next day where my prince #3 was a little mad at Auntie after his painting session....and I will tell you why in a minute.

Butterfly Tummy

Spider with flames (got to have flames!)

Shark

Another Snake

Dolphin

Rainbow Sun

And Fire.....I mean Flowers!

Ok so here is were I will tell you why he was mad at his Auntie.....it was all because of the picture above.
 See he had went up and gotten all painted up...helping Auntie practice her face painting. And she painted all the things you saw in the above pictures. He came back down stairs and I said "oh let me take pictures of your cool new paintings"...so we go outside and I took all the pictures you see above...and so the last one I took was of the flowers...and I said "hey whats that on your back?" Princes #2 looked at me and said "its fire!" (me) "oh really fire? are you sure" (prince #2) "yes fire" (me) "ummm no it's not fire there flowers" (prince #2) "NO IT NOT IT FIRE!" (me) "sorry buddy but those are flowers...look I took a picture" (showed him the picture) (prince #2)  "what Auntie said was painting fire...not flowers!! I go tell her right now!" And he stomped through the yard back up to Grama's house to give Auntie a piece of his mind! He was mad!! I was laughing.....hard!! A few minutes later my Sis came outside and said "alright who is the one that told him they were flowers!" (me) "I DID" (Sis laughing) "well he just told me he was mad for giving him flowers and not fire....I told him I would take it off and he said "No there my flowers...but next time I want fire!!"" I laughed some more!!
I have to say this for my princes' they have kept everyone laughing in this family good times and bad...and I am still always surprised with the things that come out of there mouths!!

My Evan Daniel

Ok I have been debating for weeks how I should approach this story...but in reality it just needs to be hit head on so......here goes nothing! (Just a heads up I will be posting pic's in this and one of my Evan boy...may be hard for some to look at.)
 I do believe that all things happen for a reason. Hence the fact that it took a long time to find the love of my life (my hubby) and to have such wonderful kids. And as it has been a rough road for sure...it all happened for a reason! 
I have come to think that July 4th-7th I conceived our prince #4-1. Which was around the same time as prince #3's surgery (ironic right). Now I must say Prince #1, #3 and #4-1 were not planned but I guess "someone" had other plans for us. We were scared and thrilled and scared some more. And as with all my pregnancies very uneventful....at least in the beginning. (How I wish we could go back to the beginning!) At my 14 week NT scan the baby was perfectly healthy. In the weeks to come that would all change. In the beginning I was very sure that this little one was a girl.....I had so many symptoms that were not like my other pregnancies. From food right down to how I felt....so at 17 weeks we were more than surprised (more like shocked) that this little one was indeed a boy!

All Boy!!!

Now I can not honestly sit here and say that I was over the moon happy.....because well I wasn't....see this was to be our last baby ever and I had so wanted a little girl! And not just a little bit a lot...so much so that it actually hurt to hear those words it's a boy....my heart broke! I will admit I said things in my head that I regret. But I tried so hard to change how I felt by diving head first into planning for this baby boy. Weeks went by and things just did seems to be the same with this baby as my previous ones. My other boys were movers...they moved 24/7....but not this one he swayed more than moved and at 20 weeks I wasn't really sure I was feeling him move at least not like my other boys. I knew when they moved from 14 weeks on. But I just thought he was gonna be quieter than the others. At 23 weeks we went in for a routine scan....and I knew from the second they started the scan something wasn't right.....with the 1st scan at 14 weeks they let me see the screen and this time they didn't (odd I thought). The lady scanned for a good amount of time then said "I will have the Doctor come in and take a look" (at least I think that is what she said given the fact that she had a heavy accent)....he came in looked at the baby and said "the genetic specialist will set you up in the room across the hall and we can have a chat". Ok weird...they didn't do that the last time. So we sat in the room across the hall and waited....and waited ....and waited (may have only been 10 minutes but totally felt longer) then he came in sat down and said to us "we found fluid in 2 chambers of the baby's body....which to us means your baby is sick". At this point the thoughts that run through your mind are "what do you mean?, How sick? and What do we do?.....but does any of that come out of your mouth...NO. He proceeded to tell us that they believed it to be what is called Hydrops Fetalis. So the genetic counselor came in and ran down a list of things....which none of it mattered since I was thinking the whole time "what does this all mean...what is this Hydrops you all throw around when I have never heard of it!" So after that they did an amino to test for all sort of things to find out what had caused our little boy to get this strange thing called Hydrops. We left the office and I called my Mom and told her what they said......she looked it up on the Internet......the words that rolled out of her mouth through the cell phone made me sick to my stomach.....MOST BABIES DO NOT SURVIVE THIS!! It still had not sunk in when I called one of my good friends to tell her the news......she said "I can not believe you are so calm right now". At the time neither could I (and I still don't) but it was just the beginning of a long roller coaster from hell (sorry but there is no nice word for it). That was a Tuesday.....by Friday we were at the specialist in Modesto...and that is when it hit me.....the doctor looked at me and said "your baby is very sick and if you are telling me that just 2 days ago there was only fluid in 2 places than he is really sick because it has progressed fast....it is all over his body!" (how could that be...2 days...literally 2 days) They referred us to Standford University in San Francisco that very day.......but we had to wait for Standford to call us to make an appointment.....yay more waiting. The days that followed were excruciating not knowing what tomorrow would bring. I prayed....I prayed like nobodies business....I cried and cried and prayed and cried....my heart was dieing or so it felt like. In those days before Standford I carried more guilt than anyone knows. And I will confess here and now...I hated myself for being so selfish as to wishing this baby never came into my life at all because he was a boy and not a girl. Now I know that it was nothing I did or said or thought but it felt that way since I had said and thought bad things. It was killing me inside and I was losing my baby...I was a emotional train wreck. By Monday morning I was very anxious and the call came in......."we want to see you on Thursday morning"....so we head down to Standford. We stayed with some wonderful friends Wednesday night and first thing Thursday morning we went in. We had a heart echo done (I think that is what it was called) and his heart looked great. They did another sonogram and proceeded to tell us the same thing....it was bad but they were also worried about the blood flow back to the placenta. But they said we will just keep an eye on that. Now I was only 23 weeks and 5 days so if he had come early he had no chance to survive so they gave me a steroid shot to boost his lungs to give him a better chance just in case. They asked us to come back Friday morning for some more tests, to have a second steroid shot and to meet with the Neonatal specialist and we did. Friday however was strange to say the least...our 1st stop was to have the steriod shot.....now mind you I had walked up from the parking garage and through the hospital to the labor and delivery floor and I was an emotional wreck....so yes I was winded...and my blood pressure was through the roof. They made me stay in labor and delivery to watch my blood pressure. So we meet with the Neonatal specialist and she was wonderful. We discussed options and honestly they had none to give.....other than "we just don't now what may happen next". And if I wanted to deliver him now and say our goodbyes that they would do that too. I was floored....I am sorry I know that some families choose to do this for some kind of closure but I was floored....and I looked her in the eye and said "where is the best place for my baby to be right now?" She said "right now he is alive and  right where he is is best right now". I told her "that's where he will stay until he decides otherwise!" I would not and could not take my baby's life......it is not my choice to do so. So the choice was made to just wait and see what happens next. After the Doctor had been given my record from my own Doctor they said I could go home....my blood pressure was just the norm for me and my pregnancies...but I was still to be watched just in case by my Doctor. We set up an appointment for 2 weeks later and headed home. I was to see my regular OBGYN every week to check on heartbeat and blood pressure. Every week I dreaded my appointments ...what if today I didn't hear it.....but somehow I did. In this 2 weeks of waiting I prayed but this was where my prayers changed....see in the beginning I prayed that everything would be ok and he would join our family healthy and alive.....but now I prayed for his suffering to end....he was so sick and I only felt him move once in a while. So I prayed for this "if he can't keep fighting...if his little heart is tired.....then let him sleep." I prayed that everyday for a 2 weeks. What happened next was just to much for me.....At 26 weeks along...December the 20th my best friend went to sleep and passed away...she left behind two beautiful daughters, her parents, siblings and many friends. I found out Tuesday morning....I cried....I cried for days. Wednesday night I got the flu...the kind where if you move you lose whatever you ate. By Sunday I was better at least over the flu part.....not better in my heart. Monday came and it was back to Standford we had to go....but something wasn't right....I looked in the mirror as I got ready and said to myself "he's gone".....I sat quietly on the car ride down and cried...I cried because I knew...I knew there would be no heart beat...I just knew. Sitting in the waiting room and I watched all the pregnant ladies and wondered what were they here for...gender check....good news...bad news? Either way it did really matter to me I was just passing the time wondering. They lead us into the sonogram room and ask a few questions and started the scan....I knew what I didn't see. The lady said "I am going to get the Doctor". I looked at my hubby and said "you didn't see it either did you" he said "no I don't think I did." The Doctor came in and sat down and said "you know there's no heart beat right?" (me) "Yep" and from there she talked about delivery at the hospital...I told her no I want to be at home with my Doctor who knows me and be home with family. So she contacted my Doctor. I did not cry the whole time (I know she thought I was heartless) until I walked out off the room I lost it my heart just could not take anymore pain and I cried right in the middle of the hall way...I cried while we sat and waited for her to call my Doctor....I just cried! I sat and stared at my cell phone trying to call my Mom but I couldn't dial the number....I just cried. When the Doctor came back from contacting my Doctor and signing the papers so we could go home.....she knew then I wasn't heartless. So we left Standford...walked out the doors from the sonogram offices and my Doctor called me on my cell phone and said "we want you at the hospital tomorrow morning...I don't want you to have to go through anymore waiting." So we were to deliver my baby boy asleep at 27 weeks.....I cried....I cried all the way home. But I needed to be with my boys...to look at them and hold them and kiss them and hug them...before tomorrow came. Tuesday December 28th was the hardest day of my life...it was raining how ironic I thought to myself...we drove to the hospital in silence. We arrived at 8 am and what do you suppose the first thing I saw was....yep a baby....a baby girl to be exact she was beautiful....I cried silently as they lead us back to the room where it is most private. They got us settled in and we waited for my Doc. once he came they explained things that may or may not happen to the best that they could. He gave me something to start some contractions...they started within the hour. I watched the rain pour outside my hospital window....it was a gloomy sad day indeed. I only had to dialate to a 5....but once it came time that I had to push him out....I told them no...I won't do this.....I am not going to do this! My nurse was the most patient loving woman she looked at me and said "we will do whatever you what us to do!" I cried and said "I know what I am suppose to do I just can't." I cried some more.....I knew what I had to do and as hard as it was I needed it to be over....because I just set my mind to do it. I cried...no I sobbed....and felt my heart rip from my body in a instant as my sleeping baby boy was born.  Evan Daniel was born asleep on a very rainy Tuesday afternoon. They had asked early on if I wanted him to be placed on my belly....and I could not bear the thought to see that....that was where they laid babies that were crying and alive...I couldn't handle that.....so they took him over to the little crib thing. They cleaned him gently and wrapped him in blanket and the nurse asked if I wanted to see him.....I couldn't I wasn't ready.....I cried.....so she asked me if my Mom could hold him I said "yes"....I looked at my mom holding my sleeping baby boy and.....I cried.  I watched them weigh him 1 lb 3oz......I cried.....but I just could not bring myself to see him yet. And among all of this we were waiting for my placenta to come loose...it never did so they had to take me in to do a D&C to get it out. I made the destion that I need to hold my son before they took me in. The nurse placed him in my arms and....I cried......and I was shocked.....they had said he had stopped growing at 23 weeks...so he didn't look how I thought he would have.

My Evan Daniel

I held my son for 5 minutes until they said "we have to take you back now." I handed him back to the nurse and they took me back to the operating room. All I remember is they put me on the table my Doc. said "you will feel a warming sensation"...I closed my eyes and prayed that I would see my family again that was the last thing I remember. I woke up to someone calling my name...and my hubby looking at me (which I must say was a little freaky...I blame the med's). I ask him how long I had been gone he said "30 minutes"....really that's it. I was told I lost a fair amount of blood but that I would be ok just to take it easy. The nurse came back in and asked if I wanted to see Evan again I told her "no"....she asked if I was sure...and I told her I was. I had made a decision that I didn't want to be one of these women that just can't let go...and if I had held him again I would have been one. She came in one last time that evening and asked again and to just let her know when we were ready to have him picked up by the "place" (you all know the place I mean)...I told her go ahead and call them I don't need to see him again. So she did. I slept uneasy that night...I really hate hospitials I just wanted to go home and be with my family. My Doc. let me go home the next morning.....the nurses told me there was another family on the floor that had just lost their baby...my heart hurt for them. We left the hospital....with empty arms and broken hearts. The nurses gave us this for our son....it was the most wonderful thing.

Memory Box/ see his hands and foot prints

the gown and hat

The blanket

His date of birth, weight, and height

It was the only thing I carried home. In the weeks following we had planned to bury Evan next to my dad. We had him cremated and his daddy made him a box to be placed in.

Evan's box

We had a little service at the graveside. Our closest family and friends joined us that day. I stood at the grave site and watched his daddy bury our little boy........I cried!

Sleeping next to Grandpa

UGGHHHH...Mondays!

I think what I hate the most about Mondays is it......just means we have to start all over again!! And I am beginning to really hate Summertime Mondays.....now why is it the in the winter the weeks go by so slow and it seems to drag on FOREVER!! But as soon as summer hits the weeks just fly by and I am thinking to myself.....OMG where did summer go....I am not ready for winter again.....STOP BACK UP.....WAIT JUST A DANG MINUTE!!! Just totally how I feel this Monday morning. And I think especially this summer I am feeling very rushed....because my oldest prince just finished school and the home school program he is on has switched calendar years this year...and he will start again in the middle of August instead of the 1st of September....so he really only has a month and a half of summer! Poor kid....poor me....poor everybody involved! So I would at east like to get in one good summer trip in this year.....and I would totally love to go to the beach (and not the one at the little lake by our house...totally does not count)! The little princes have never been to the "Ocean beach" (prince #2's name for it) and would enjoy it to no end...especially since they love the water! So this is a future trip (I hope)!
Now I could try to recap my week but to be honest I can't remember half of it. I know that we went on Thursday to get the little princes a pool and then Friday prince #2 swam in it all afternoon...until I dragged him out of it at 5pm!!

Fun in the new pool!

But prince #3 well.....he was totally not going into that pool no matter what.....he screamed like a banshee when I tried to but him in it....(maybe it was tad bit cold...ok well freezing)....once I pulled him out he said to me "I don't like it....I don't care" and stood next to the little pool in a pout and crossed arm stance...and he just kept saying over and over "I don't care I don't care I don't care!" Which to hear him say this is actually quite funny but as a parent we are trying not to laugh because he is quite serious about it (laughing on the inside)!
So comes Saturday...now every 3rd Saturday in June is the little car show in town.....it is not huge but has about 50 or so cars in it. Now having what we call 2 gear heads in this family.....one big one(dad) and on small one(prince #2)....we had to go. So we make our way up to the show....look at the cars and decided we need some lunch...and decide on the little diner near by. Now when I say near by I mean.....you can walk through the car show and look at all the cars and walk right into the diner. Every year they have a bounce house for the kids at the diner...now after we have our lunch prince #2 is more than ready to play in this bounce house...so since you can see the bounce house from our table outside we let him go. Prince #2 is very sociable and because of this he makes buddies fast....so he is having a grand time bouncing away. But prince #3 is sitting at the table with us watching his brother and watching this bounce house......when he says "I want go".....so I follow him over to the bounce house and try to take off his shoes and he starts screaming like the banshee from (well you know where)....so I put him back down and he runs back to our table yelling "I don't care....I don't care.....I don't care!!!" Really little prince really.....you are a pain in my rear!! So he hates the pool, he hates bounce houses and in a minute I will tell you what else we now know he hates to! After the car show we came home and did many a little things around here (mainly laundry....uugghh).
Sunday morning came as usual and we were up and movin' around and getting ready for our day. Sunday's are always a little more difficult to get everyone moving and out the door for meetings but we always manage to get out the door all in one piece. Afterward we were getting ready to leave when a friend invited us for lunch.....which is always nice to do.....good friends, good food = good day! While at these wonderful peoples home we were telling the little princes that the lady of the house loves animals and that she loves animals so much so she works for a vet. So after we have a yummy lunch and good company....the boys were playing outside and both of them look up from the back yard and see 2 of the horses that are pinned in next to the house. They both came a running yelling "look look horses Mom look horses"! (actually prince #3 thinks they are cows...but you know honest mistake) So I said "do you want to go over and see the horses".....they did not even think twice about that one "YES" and started running toward the fence...which I told them "STOP wait a minute"...both came to a screeching halt and waited for me. So Dad and I wandered over with them to the fence that runs along side the property. The horses had meandered out to the far side of the pin....so we called to them and talked to them....they just looked at us like "yeah right we saw those two coming......we ain't coming over there!" (which I didn't blame them one bit) So as we talked to them and told the boys if we are real quiet maybe they will come see us....yeah quiet is not their strong suit...although prince #2 can be very quiet when need be but prince #3...well let just say....not so much!  I got a few pictures of them stand by the fence talking to the horses...

Looking from a far!

...and in the mean time the lady of the house wandered out into the field and managed to bring one of the horses over for the boys to see close up. Prince #2 was more the willing to pet the horse and pet and pet and pet the horse.

Loving the horse!!

Now the the reason I only have pictures of prince #2 petting the horse.........Prince #3 screamed yet a again like a banshee from (well you know where) as soon as that horse came to the fence! I even picked him up and held him to get closer to the horse and you would have thought that it was the most scariest thing that kid had ever seen in his life!! And yet again started crying "I don't care I don't care I don't care!"(that and when I handed dad the camera he managed to turn it off instead of take a picture of me and him by the horse) But needless to say prince #3 was having none of it this week.....NONE OF IT.....I hope at least when it comes time to go to the "Ocean Beach" he doesn't have his "I don't care" attitude with him...cause if he does I may just leave him home!!! (which since his oldest brother has pretty much the same attitude 95% of the time he can stay home with him!)

June is half over....boy does time fly!

Sitting here tonight thinking to myself.....What the heck happen to June??? We have had the weirdest year yet for seasons that is! It was only about 2 weeks ago we were still wearing our winter gear! And the last few days have been in the 80's! So yes summer has finally landed in California!!! And I am not complaining one bit! I love the warm spring and summer seasons....I even like fall...but winter...not so much! Especially this winter....this winter was very rough for everyone around us...and not just because it was cold and snowy...but we lost our Evan this last winter. Memories still haunt me to this very day...and some bring tears. But everyday is a new day. At least I am trying to look at it that way.
Today we set out to buy a new pool (wading pool)...for the little princes....as theirs from last year managed to have a few holes in it! Wonder how that happened (2 little boys)? Prince #2 keeps asking to go to the beach and I told him that we need to wait a few more weeks before we head to our little lake here by the house....since it was only iced over a few months ago...and would be extremely cold right now! So for now they get the little pool. We will see if the neighborhood critters want to swim too as it is only fair that the boys share it....right??
This time last year we were waiting for our prince #3 to have his surgery....he had it on July 6th 2010 (funny when I think back...I think I conceived Evan around that time). So I think I will tell this story of prince #3 and his surgery. When prince #3 was born he was perfect....well almost. You see he had 10 fingers 10 toes and all his parts...but he had a small problem with his little pee pee. We wanted to get him circumcised  but the pediatrician said we should see a specialist first. We had an appointment in December 2009 to see a specialist. She was great..she told us he had what was call a hypospadias cordee. The hypospadias is where the pee pee hole is in the wrong place....instead of being at the head of the pee pee it is usually lower down.... prince #3's was very slightly below. The cordee is where the pee pee is crooked...his was shaped like a hook.....his also was twisted...poor little man peed to the left a lot! The surgeon scheduled the surgery for July 2010.....prince #3 was just shy of turn 1 year old. So July rolled around and we got ready for surgery....we had to be there early. These doctors just whip these patients out...but when you have done these surgeries all the time it is no wonder they can!
 We finally got called to the back for pre-op. Prince #3 was as quiet as ever (which is not the norm)....but we had all had a rough night...not really sleeping and all. They have the cutest little gowns for the babies.

My little boy before surgery!

He fell asleep twice before they took him back for surgery. The last time the nurse came in and took him from me and took him in for surgery. We waited and waited and waited.........really it felt like forever (although I was exhausted still from lack of sleep). But it only really took about a hour and a half......the surgeon came out she said he did great and the reason it only took her a hour and a half was there was only a little that needed to be done....which was a good thing. She said that after about an hour more we could go back and see prince #3. So we waited a little longer....once we finally got to go back to recovery the nurse lead us through the door past several little recovery rooms (mostly made of curtains) to a far back room in the corner by the other door. Prince #3 was laying in his bed still groggy from the meds....he looked at me and sat straight up and made the pick me up gesture (as best he could). Now at this point you need to understand this kid did not cry once since waking from recovery...no not once..the nurses all said so. In fact the nurses were all in love with this little boy.....(it may have had to do with the fact that he flirted with every nurse that passed by the little room he was in)....and they were amazed that he did not once cry. He was a trooper. Now there was a little boy in the room next to us that everytime a nurse came anywhere near him he cried and screamed. So for 3 hours we listened to that little boy and we knew everytime the nurse walked in his room! All the nurses were amazed with prince #3(especially after that little boy)! So as we sat in recovery the nurse said "he has to pee before we will let him go home"...ok....no problem the kid had not had anything to eat or drink since the night before....so downing some water, juice, or whatever other liquid...no prob right????WRONG! That kid downed like 6 bottles of liquid. Now I am just saying if I had that much to drink I would have been dieing (I was too since I hadn't peed in a couple hours)!! It took the boy 3 hours to finally pee. By the time he peed and we headed home.....he decided to be mad about riding in the car home and cried and cried and cried. He passed out finally half way home. Now mind you he was just shy of turning one and he had not started walking yet. Two days after his surgery he started walking......yes I said 2 days! And he never cried and to this day he is not bothered by any of it! He will grow and be and look normal (by the standard of normal....which isn't really when you think about it). He will be 2 in July, he is a sweet little boy still and still flirts with the ladies! And...time does fly doesn't it!

What a goof!! But I love him!

Super busy Mom!

Wow.....here it is Monday already! Well I left off on Wednesday with a memory...and thought I would try and sit down and write out Evan's story. That didn't happen....still not ready! But I did manage to get a few things done here and there.....and was totally ready for our trip to California's Great America!!! OH YEAH!!!
We went Friday with a group of great friends! And have decided to totally do it again with more friends!  Saturday we went to the park and let the little princes run wild! And then I had to make my special "Taco Salad" for a surprise graduation party we were going to Sunday afternoon. Then Sunday we attended said graduation party. They had games to play and the big boys and girls all included prince #2 in the games it was so great!

Prince #2 Bobbing for Apples

Today was a run errand kind of day........but among all the fun and things from the weekend......at least once everyday I think of those in my life special to me that are now gone. And I suppose prince #2 has been feeling this too. He doesn't remember his Grandpa Jim (my Dad) but talking about what happened to him makes him sad too.
Saturday afternoon my two little princes were very lovey dovey with me (mostly because we had made them spend the night with Nana...and they felt deserted). Prince #2 says to me "my grandma is you mom" (yes) "your mom is my grandma" (yes)...."where is you dad?"...So I began to explain that my dad died and that he was his Grandpa Jim..(prince #2 had only just turned 1 when he died)....(the entire time I am explaining he has the sad doe eyed look in his eyes and a small quiver to his bottom lip) he says "but what happen to him why he die".... Well he got sick and he died......"but the docer (doctor) can fix it".... He was to sick and the doctor couldn't fix it...."oh...well where is he"...We had to bury him in a special place....."what it called"....It is called the cemetery. We buried your brother Evan by Grandpa...do you remember that? "Eban is not my brother he is my friend!!! (Eban is a playmate of his) "No not Eban...EV-VAN...."oh.....you miss you dad" (yes).....The whole conversation had brought me to tears and brought my mom to tears. And since this conversation I have thought about my dad. So I will tell the quick story of how sick my dad was.

My Mom and Dad

October 2008.....my parents had been back from Idaho since April of this year. Prince #2 had just turned 1 and we were forever reminded by my Dad "he almost died (prince #2)"!! My dad had went in for his monthly check up for a blood disorder (not sure the name of it off the top of my head) where he produces to much blood. Anyway they were getting ready for a trip up to Idaho to close up the house they had there for the winter and had to go to the doctor for this check up.....his blood count came back extremely low...so much so they told him not to go they need to do more blood tests. Once these were said and done they said we think you should go to Standford university for more tests. I will always remember the day... Mom called me to tell me the results of Dad's tests.....he had Leukemia! For the next 3 weeks they ran up and down the road to Standford for doctors and such. The day they went in to see if Dad could do a new treatment for this disease....it was a Friday and instead of a option for treatment the doctors gave him this instead...........3-4 days left to live! This disease ripped through his body so fast in 3 weeks......what? How is that possible? But it did just that.....so my Mom brought my Dad home to be with his family. Now my Dad was not one that want everyone to be sad at mope around after is death...so he told my Mom I want to live out my last days having a party! So that is what we had...so to speak....we had people in and out of the house for days and days. Old friends my Dad had.....good friends....and of course family lots of family! My Dad was loved by a lot of people. My dad had his party for 3 weeks...that's right that man beat the doctors 3-4 days by a long shot. And he told my brother you call those doctors and tell them "HA I am still here"! That last week of his life watching my father wither and become frail was hard. And on November 5th he passed into forever sleep. He will be remembered by many. In the few weeks that followed his passing we got ready for his memorial service which was attended by many...and we had a graveside burial just for the family. It wasn't until later that evening when I told my Mom our news.....for see I had kept it secret all day but later at home I sat with my Mom and said "well I do believe that we will miss Dad a lot but I think that someone has joined our family for a reason"! My mother looked at me and said "oh really.....do you now". "Yes I do"..........see prince #3 joined our family in the few weeks prior to my dad leaving us....so he is a special gift to us!

Prince #3

 

   

I think the part that was and still is the hardest for me in my memories of my Dad are the fact that my youngest boys don't know their Grandpa like their older brother does.....Grandpa was extra special to Prince #1...he and Grandpa had a special bond. And my two youngest won't get that now. Then there is also this.......my Dad never knew about Prince #3 and especially never knew about what we went though with Prince #4-1.
Do I miss my Dad?..................Forever and Always!!

Where does the time go??

I love all my boys.....as any mother would....but each of them has a different special place in my heart. And so today I thought I would tell you about how Prince #2 came into my life!
In September 2005 I married my hubby....Best day of my life! Well a few months later I told him I really wanted to have another baby before I was 30 yrs old (I was a young 28 back then)...and he being the wonderful man he was said ok (he really doesn't tell me no very often). So we began the trip to baby making.....and it took a lot longer than it should have...we tried for over a year....1yr and 3 months to be exact...It came down to this...my hormones were way off and thus preventing proper things to happen. Once that was fixed and squared away..it took only a month to get pregnant! We were very happy about this!  And I even took 2 tests because I couldn't believe it...especially since it took over a year!

Fast forward to the end of the pregnancy.....mostly because my pregnancies are uneventful. By this time we had found out we where expecting a little baby boy. Aj was very excited to be getting a little brother. And I was just ready for it to be over. Well his due date came and went and my Doctor said "if he doesn't come by the weekend we will induce you". Which was fine by me...I was so over being pregnant. Now don't miss understand I love my kids and would love more...but I do not enjoy being pregnant! I have had horrid morning sickness with all my pregnancy....not something I enjoy. Ok back to my story.....So the weekend comes and goes...Monday morning I go to the Doc and he says well since you are still prego I see....I decided to schedule you for an induction...but here is the thing....usually I schedule those things for Thursday but instead I said Tuesday.....so I thought I would ask you what you want to do before I changed it back to Thursday. So there I am having the Doc tell me I can have this baby first thing in the morning or wait??.....ah seriously...DUH.....tomorrow! So it was all set for tomorrow morning!! WOO HOO!! So the next morning we showed up at the labor and delivery floor at 7am...Got a room and the Doc came in and said "let's break your water and start this"! Fine by me......now as the Doc is digging around with the little hook thing that helps break your water....I was thinking....should he really need to dig around? Which right about then he says "hummm you don't seem to have any fluid". My mind snaps me back to his voice...and I manage to say "What does that mean....doesn't the baby need that?" Which next came all the question "Did you feel your water break?" "Has the baby been active?" When this, what that? I lost count of all the questions.....which the answer to most where yes or no. And at that point no one could understand what happened to it or when it left! Except one nurse (who by the way was awesome) came in and said "well what we are thinking is that you are really 2 weeks late and this little guy should have come weeks ago! (WHAT) But really I was pretty sure of this too...cause I had a feeling. So at this point they gave me the IV with the stuff the helps start labor along (not in the mood to look up how to spell it right now)....so 8am I am hooked up to a IV and with in a hour I am in labor (oh goody). Now with my 1st prince being my first I waited drugs and I got drugs (whole lot a pain). But this time it wasn't near as bad as the 1st time so I said "can I have something to just take the edge of"......boy did it work GREAT! So October 2nd 2007 at 1pm it was time to push this baby out.....in fact he was out in less than 5 pushes. And as soon as he was out they hauled him to the warming table...at this point I remember them placing 1st son on me....so I was starting to freak out. Then I heard him scream like nobodies business (oh thank god). They wrapped him up and placed him on me...and 5 minutes later took him away.......I didn't see him again until 5pm that night. And this is why......

He was saturated in Meconium....so badly that the nurses nicknamed he the "pollinated baby" because when they rubbed him to get this stuff off it looked like he had been dusted in pollen. The whole time that this little guy was away from me...he was in distress! He could not maintain blood oxygen level, blood sugar or his body temp. and so we got to see him before they sent him to the NICU in Modesto. I cried the whole time we were sitting by the little medical cradle thing. And at 8pm they wheeled him into my room in a to go incubator ready to leave for the NICU.......I was dieing in side.....my baby was going somewhere else and I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't sleep very well that night. But first thing in the morning my awesome Doc told me "I will release you so you can go see your baby....but only if you promise me you won't over do it"! DEAL!! So I got to see my baby....but like this.....

stong little boy...and next to those other little babes....he was a moose....he weight 5lbs 8oz...most of the little ones in there were under 3lbs.  But this is where I held him for the very first time (really).  This one is my favorite picture from NICU stay.

Daddy holding him   

And so he spent a week in the NICU and boy was I terrified.....but we finally got him home and he is here alive and doing very well......considering that he was born a very sick little boy!

I really should be in bed sleeping!!

Well today was much like yesterday in the fact I was and still am sitting on pins and needles!! The project that hubby was helping on....got done enough for "certain people" to see....and they like what they saw...but they want to see more! If you would like to see a progress of the project that was built...you can click over on the back woods cottage link (it is my talented sisters blog)! So we still are waiting to know if a job is in the mist of all this! But I will say this...my hubby has been home not working for almost 8 months and I am very glad he is here (he tames the natives very well...sshhhh don't tell him though). Well after being home this long and then up and having been working the last four days....yesterday afternoon he came home and I kid you not they attacked him like a swarm of locust!! Prince #2 and Prince #3 sitting on my bed while daddy laid on top of it......and I swear they both were talking at the same time and about anything they could think of! Poor hubby was just so tired...but it didn't matter they sat happily jabbering away...and for the most part we understood none of it. Except for Prince #2.....Acceleracer this, Acceleracer that.....remember dad....remember! 
Today was one of those days where you have lots to do but you really don't want to do it! So I revamped my blog instead...I really like it...and I did it all by myself (pat self on back)! And as I was looking at backgrounds and templates trying to figure it all out....I thought to myself, I said self....you really need to start writing more things down....like with my story of what we went through with Evan...because everyday I remember little pieces of it....but when I try and sit down and write all out at once I can't remember it all at once! It begins to overwhelm me I think. So starting tomorrow I am going to start writing in a binder the tid bits I remember for all the stories to come......Prince #2 NICU Scare....Prince#3 Surgery we go....and Prince#4-1.  And I think in the mean time I will post little quips about our princes and the things they say!

1st one:
Jackson comes over and says "my leg hurts"
Dad says "oh then I think we need to cut it off"
Jackson "ok" (as he was taking off his jammies to give dad is leg)
Dad says "no we don't need to cut it off put your jammies back on"
Jackson (in tears) "oh please oh please cut it off"

and one more for the road:
It is bath time for the boys..so I asked Jackson: Can I take a bath with you?
Jackson said: No you can't your butt is to big for the bathtub!

Waiting just may kill me today!

Well last night we had threats of thunder storms in the Sierra Mountains.....I did not hear any thunder or see any lighting...but the downpour of rain that blasted this county last night....good lord it could have washed away a elephant! And I am pretty sure I would have seen some lighting and heard some thunder since I was up until mid-night waiting for my hubby to get home. He has been working the last 4 days on a project with my brother-in law that for the most part is a great idea....the only problem is getting the "people" to buy into this project. Hence the wait may kill me part! See in this part of sunny California jobs are far and few between...especially in the construction department! So since November of last year my wonderful hard working hubby has been on unemployment....which is great when you need it...the only problem now is he drew his last check last week! And most of the time by March he is back at work and we are not under so much stress...but this year we have not been so lucky. So today we wait on the prospect of work.....and pray till we can't pray no more....and to be honest after the last year we have endured....we need something good to happen in our lives! God only gives us what we can handle....and to be honest I don't think I can handle much more!!

So for now as I wait and wait and wait....I will recall last nights event.
Everyone sleeping so sound in there bed...or so we all thought. For see we have a child (prince #2) who has from the very beginning  of his life been in our bed (my fault, but in my defence after having almost lost him I could not let him be away from me). Ok back to my story...ever since he was moved to his big boy bed (which was when prince #3 arrived) he has woken up in the middle of the night and comes an climbs in bed with us. Most nights hubby waits until he goes back to sleep and moves him back to his on bed. Well ever since we moved prince #3 in to a big boy bed he now wakes up and comes climbs into our bed as well (bring a few friends along...and depending on how many he can carry all at once....most nights it is his Bear (it is half his size), chick and  Tigger)!! And I can tell you that 4 in a Queen size bed plus 2 cats, a dog and a small entourage of stuffed animals.....good sleep does not make!! So if you will take a moment and picture this in your mind.....close your eyes....think about a mommy and a daddy soundly sleeping...when along comes a lad still sleepy and sad. He comes to mom's side and climbs on up....most nights prince #2 is thrown  into the middle of the bed.....and then sometime in the wee hours of the morn. prince #3 climbs in on mommies side as well but he gets left on mommies side cause she is to tired to care! Can you picture it? Did you see it in your mind? I am sure it looks quite funny and maybe even cute....but really it is not!
So last night was no different or so I thought. I woke up around 4:30 or so and had a small growth on my arm....I mean child...I was trapped or so I thought. Now at this point and time I thought the small child that laid across my arm was prince #3. I managed to to wiggle free of this small body...sat up and scooped up this small child and thought to myself "man this kid is getting heavy" but I hoisted him up anyway and hauled him back to his little big boy bed. Now if you can imaged at 4 am in the morning it is still very much dark and since I did not want him wide awake and have him come strolling back to our bed....I didn't turn on any light what so ever....big mistake!! So imagine again if you will me making my way into the boys room (they all share one) and heading over to the little big boy bed. I lean down ready to pull back the covers and lay him in it.........when all of the sudden a small figure catches my eye! I lean back up (still holding my small sleeping child) trying to adjust my eyes for more light so I can see better....I look again and the small figure is still there....or are my eyes playing tricks on me??? At this point in time my mind it truly boggled as to how I am seeing prince #3 laying in his bed when I am holding him in my arms?! I even began to think I must be dreaming this is too weird! Should I go back to my bed and do this over?Should I wake my hubby to enlighten me on why I am seeing what I was seeing? So I stood next to this little big boy bed seriously confused...then it hit me as I looked one last time at the bed with the sleep child.........OMG....no wonder this child is so heavy.....I was hold prince #2! So needless to say at this point I felt so stupid to not have realised which child I had...but in my defence it was dark and I was really tired having only slept 4 hours pryer to this event. So I placed the proper child in his proper bed...and slinked back to my bed thinking....I really should have turned on a light!

Should the past really stay in the past?

I have often asked myself this question many times before....but it sits before me today....again! But this time for what would be a good reason if I was to re-live it. Here is the dilemma: Should I start my blogs with everyday banter and then slip in the stories of the past...or should I start with the stories of the past...and meander thru them up until the present day? Because as you see you could learn more about myself and the princes that I live with.......I think I will blog with the intent on the present with small "flashbacks" thrown in for good reading!

So for today I will throw in one of those "flashbacks" as to how I started my life in the middle of Princes!

My 1st prince was born a good 12yrs ago (good lord that sounds so long ago). You know growing up I had always played with Barbies and baby dolls and I had always wanted to be a mom.....but never had I imagined that I would mother a boy! And to be honest since Aj was my 1st baby I didn't really care of what gender he was. But as I said before he was brought into this world by a union that in it's self didn't work out. Although if you had said that to me 10 yrs ago when my world started falling apart and the man I loved at the time didn't want to have a family anymore...I would have said differently. But even when we make bad choices in our life we can either run from them or learn from them.....I decided to learn from them.
So at 23 years of age I became a single mom to a 2 year old little boy.....and he is the only reason that I am still here on this earth today. The whole time growing up you never think that "man I will be divorced and have a baby to raise by myself....wow that sounds neat!!" Yup that is right ladies not once will you ever think that growing up! And they certainly don't teach that lesson in school! But all in all I think I did a pretty good job.....especially since I had a very difficult child on my hands. Hence the reference earlier  about "hell on 2 legs"! See as I was raising my child by myself he started to have problems...."meltdowns" if you would call them that over the most stupid things. But what I did not know then and I didn't get told until he was finishing 3rd grade was my son has ADHD and a form of childhood Bipolar....and all those years I thought I was just losing my mind! So you may ask yourself "is he on med's".... my answer is: "no not yet"...I wanted to try other methods 1st. Did they work? Yes in someways they did......he is a lot better than he was almost 4years ago...but as he is getting older it is getting harder again. So we have been throwing that back and forth for a few months now. Aj is a really smart, funny, sweet, wonderful kid....and for the most part he is a good kid. But there are days I think to myself "he may not live to see 13!"

So 10 yrs ago I began this journey by myself and one little prince. I use to wonder most nights would I ever find someone to share my life with? Would someone really want me? Even if I was used and broken?
Well I will tell this story next and my hubby well probably kill me (not really) for blabin' about him....but I didn't really know a lot of things my hubby thought back in the day before he and I and I find it wonderful I know them now! See what I didn't know is that at a young age maybe about 17 or so....my hubby use to watch me from the kitchen window in his Grandmothers house across the street. On one certain day his family teased him about it and he turn to them and said this "I am going to marry her someday!" (fast forward a few years) The day he heard that I had gotten married he"felt his heart brake"! It broke even more when he heard of the new baby. But the day he heard that the "jerk" was gone for good.....he was so happy (I think he even may have done a happy dance...although he will not confirm this out loud). Needless to say he waited for me a very long time! But in 2005 I was married to a wonderful man.....who waited a long time!

A New Adventure!

As I sit here staring at the blank white page...my mind suddenly goes blank as to where to even start this "New Adventure"! My Sister has seemed to find her niche at it.....but then again she is the Artsy one in the family!

I guess I should begin at the beginning...not the very beginning because no one is really all that interested in knowing how I came to be on this earth! But the beginning of my life with my Princes and what the minus 1 really means to me!

In 2005 almost 6 years ago I married the most wonderful man I could ever ask for! And to say the least I did not think that we would have a roller coaster ride of a life together. He is in all essence my Knight and Shine Armor...although 6 years ago I would have never thought that the man of my dreams lived across the street!! Literally!! For see he was my neighbor and childhood friend....I remember playing together as kids...how funny is that! But he is the man that made me "Unbroken"....and has every since been the one to hold me up when I felt like falling down!

Now you may ask yourselves a question when I say that when we fell in love and married he married into a family of 2. My oldest Prince was part of a union that did not work so well...but I did get something wonderful from it (most days anyway)..AJ. He has been my hell on 2 legs from 2yrs on and yes I did a great deal of it by myself. But for the most part he is good kid with a good heart......just misplaced sometimes. But what do you expect for a pre-teen (lord help me I only have 4 months left and then a full on teenager is lurking in this house....pray for me)!

In 2007 I had the honor of welcoming "our" precious Prince #2 Jackson into our lives...and just a suddenly as he came in we almost lost him. 5lbs 8oz and come to find out he should have joined us 2 weeks earlier! He had no aminotic fluid left around him in utero and he spent a week in the NICU....the scariest week of my life (so I thought then). But he is a healthy, loud, sweet, 3yr old loving little boy. Who by the way talks non stop about Hot Wheels Acceleracers...his new found passion!














In 2009 again we welcomed another Prince into our family #3 Cayden....at first look he was as healthy as could be. Until further probing....see we wanted to circumcise him but the doc said "you need to see a specialist about this!" Oh great now what!! Well the specialist says "hypospadius cordee". My poor little man had a crooked little tally whacker!! And his hole was not in the right place....sigh...so a surgery we would have. (I will post more about this later...good story!) But he was none the wiser and lord help us....he won't stop talking he almost 2 and boy can he talk....just like another family member...who has been gone almost 3yrs now....miss you dad!

Now I must pause for a moment and tell you all if you choose to follow me in this new adventure... there will be many a back story to things that have transpired over the course of 5 plus yrs for my family.....but my next post right here will be the reason I started this blog in the first place. Ok here goes...................
Evan Daniel Prince #4 (but now my minus 1) was to make his presents known March 27th 2011.....but that was not so.....he came into this world on Dec.28th 2011 asleep..I delivered him at 27weeks...the world stop on that day or so it seemed. My precious Prince #4 was taken from this family by a horrid monster, a black abyss it should be so aptly named but it is called "Hydrops Fetalis". His precious heart stopped at 26 weeks it could no longer take the beating it was recieving from this monster! Never in my life did I think that I would suffer a loss so great it would change me forever......but it did! (I will post that whole journey at a later time) The wound it left still open and sore will ....I don't think ever really heal! But I am here and though I may not be whole I am here...and so starts a New Adventure....My life a Princesss among Princes-1!