My Evan Daniel

Ok I have been debating for weeks how I should approach this story...but in reality it just needs to be hit head on so......here goes nothing! (Just a heads up I will be posting pic's in this and one of my Evan boy...may be hard for some to look at.)
 I do believe that all things happen for a reason. Hence the fact that it took a long time to find the love of my life (my hubby) and to have such wonderful kids. And as it has been a rough road for sure...it all happened for a reason! 
I have come to think that July 4th-7th I conceived our prince #4-1. Which was around the same time as prince #3's surgery (ironic right). Now I must say Prince #1, #3 and #4-1 were not planned but I guess "someone" had other plans for us. We were scared and thrilled and scared some more. And as with all my pregnancies very uneventful....at least in the beginning. (How I wish we could go back to the beginning!) At my 14 week NT scan the baby was perfectly healthy. In the weeks to come that would all change. In the beginning I was very sure that this little one was a girl.....I had so many symptoms that were not like my other pregnancies. From food right down to how I felt....so at 17 weeks we were more than surprised (more like shocked) that this little one was indeed a boy!

All Boy!!!

Now I can not honestly sit here and say that I was over the moon happy.....because well I wasn't....see this was to be our last baby ever and I had so wanted a little girl! And not just a little bit a lot...so much so that it actually hurt to hear those words it's a boy....my heart broke! I will admit I said things in my head that I regret. But I tried so hard to change how I felt by diving head first into planning for this baby boy. Weeks went by and things just did seems to be the same with this baby as my previous ones. My other boys were movers...they moved 24/7....but not this one he swayed more than moved and at 20 weeks I wasn't really sure I was feeling him move at least not like my other boys. I knew when they moved from 14 weeks on. But I just thought he was gonna be quieter than the others. At 23 weeks we went in for a routine scan....and I knew from the second they started the scan something wasn't right.....with the 1st scan at 14 weeks they let me see the screen and this time they didn't (odd I thought). The lady scanned for a good amount of time then said "I will have the Doctor come in and take a look" (at least I think that is what she said given the fact that she had a heavy accent)....he came in looked at the baby and said "the genetic specialist will set you up in the room across the hall and we can have a chat". Ok weird...they didn't do that the last time. So we sat in the room across the hall and waited....and waited ....and waited (may have only been 10 minutes but totally felt longer) then he came in sat down and said to us "we found fluid in 2 chambers of the baby's body....which to us means your baby is sick". At this point the thoughts that run through your mind are "what do you mean?, How sick? and What do we do?.....but does any of that come out of your mouth...NO. He proceeded to tell us that they believed it to be what is called Hydrops Fetalis. So the genetic counselor came in and ran down a list of things....which none of it mattered since I was thinking the whole time "what does this all mean...what is this Hydrops you all throw around when I have never heard of it!" So after that they did an amino to test for all sort of things to find out what had caused our little boy to get this strange thing called Hydrops. We left the office and I called my Mom and told her what they said......she looked it up on the Internet......the words that rolled out of her mouth through the cell phone made me sick to my stomach.....MOST BABIES DO NOT SURVIVE THIS!! It still had not sunk in when I called one of my good friends to tell her the news......she said "I can not believe you are so calm right now". At the time neither could I (and I still don't) but it was just the beginning of a long roller coaster from hell (sorry but there is no nice word for it). That was a Tuesday.....by Friday we were at the specialist in Modesto...and that is when it hit me.....the doctor looked at me and said "your baby is very sick and if you are telling me that just 2 days ago there was only fluid in 2 places than he is really sick because it has progressed fast....it is all over his body!" (how could that be...2 days...literally 2 days) They referred us to Standford University in San Francisco that very day.......but we had to wait for Standford to call us to make an appointment.....yay more waiting. The days that followed were excruciating not knowing what tomorrow would bring. I prayed....I prayed like nobodies business....I cried and cried and prayed and cried....my heart was dieing or so it felt like. In those days before Standford I carried more guilt than anyone knows. And I will confess here and now...I hated myself for being so selfish as to wishing this baby never came into my life at all because he was a boy and not a girl. Now I know that it was nothing I did or said or thought but it felt that way since I had said and thought bad things. It was killing me inside and I was losing my baby...I was a emotional train wreck. By Monday morning I was very anxious and the call came in......."we want to see you on Thursday morning"....so we head down to Standford. We stayed with some wonderful friends Wednesday night and first thing Thursday morning we went in. We had a heart echo done (I think that is what it was called) and his heart looked great. They did another sonogram and proceeded to tell us the same thing....it was bad but they were also worried about the blood flow back to the placenta. But they said we will just keep an eye on that. Now I was only 23 weeks and 5 days so if he had come early he had no chance to survive so they gave me a steroid shot to boost his lungs to give him a better chance just in case. They asked us to come back Friday morning for some more tests, to have a second steroid shot and to meet with the Neonatal specialist and we did. Friday however was strange to say the least...our 1st stop was to have the steriod shot.....now mind you I had walked up from the parking garage and through the hospital to the labor and delivery floor and I was an emotional wreck....so yes I was winded...and my blood pressure was through the roof. They made me stay in labor and delivery to watch my blood pressure. So we meet with the Neonatal specialist and she was wonderful. We discussed options and honestly they had none to give.....other than "we just don't now what may happen next". And if I wanted to deliver him now and say our goodbyes that they would do that too. I was floored....I am sorry I know that some families choose to do this for some kind of closure but I was floored....and I looked her in the eye and said "where is the best place for my baby to be right now?" She said "right now he is alive and  right where he is is best right now". I told her "that's where he will stay until he decides otherwise!" I would not and could not take my baby's life......it is not my choice to do so. So the choice was made to just wait and see what happens next. After the Doctor had been given my record from my own Doctor they said I could go home....my blood pressure was just the norm for me and my pregnancies...but I was still to be watched just in case by my Doctor. We set up an appointment for 2 weeks later and headed home. I was to see my regular OBGYN every week to check on heartbeat and blood pressure. Every week I dreaded my appointments ...what if today I didn't hear it.....but somehow I did. In this 2 weeks of waiting I prayed but this was where my prayers changed....see in the beginning I prayed that everything would be ok and he would join our family healthy and alive.....but now I prayed for his suffering to end....he was so sick and I only felt him move once in a while. So I prayed for this "if he can't keep fighting...if his little heart is tired.....then let him sleep." I prayed that everyday for a 2 weeks. What happened next was just to much for me.....At 26 weeks along...December the 20th my best friend went to sleep and passed away...she left behind two beautiful daughters, her parents, siblings and many friends. I found out Tuesday morning....I cried....I cried for days. Wednesday night I got the flu...the kind where if you move you lose whatever you ate. By Sunday I was better at least over the flu part.....not better in my heart. Monday came and it was back to Standford we had to go....but something wasn't right....I looked in the mirror as I got ready and said to myself "he's gone".....I sat quietly on the car ride down and cried...I cried because I knew...I knew there would be no heart beat...I just knew. Sitting in the waiting room and I watched all the pregnant ladies and wondered what were they here for...gender check....good news...bad news? Either way it did really matter to me I was just passing the time wondering. They lead us into the sonogram room and ask a few questions and started the scan....I knew what I didn't see. The lady said "I am going to get the Doctor". I looked at my hubby and said "you didn't see it either did you" he said "no I don't think I did." The Doctor came in and sat down and said "you know there's no heart beat right?" (me) "Yep" and from there she talked about delivery at the hospital...I told her no I want to be at home with my Doctor who knows me and be home with family. So she contacted my Doctor. I did not cry the whole time (I know she thought I was heartless) until I walked out off the room I lost it my heart just could not take anymore pain and I cried right in the middle of the hall way...I cried while we sat and waited for her to call my Doctor....I just cried! I sat and stared at my cell phone trying to call my Mom but I couldn't dial the number....I just cried. When the Doctor came back from contacting my Doctor and signing the papers so we could go home.....she knew then I wasn't heartless. So we left Standford...walked out the doors from the sonogram offices and my Doctor called me on my cell phone and said "we want you at the hospital tomorrow morning...I don't want you to have to go through anymore waiting." So we were to deliver my baby boy asleep at 27 weeks.....I cried....I cried all the way home. But I needed to be with my boys...to look at them and hold them and kiss them and hug them...before tomorrow came. Tuesday December 28th was the hardest day of my life...it was raining how ironic I thought to myself...we drove to the hospital in silence. We arrived at 8 am and what do you suppose the first thing I saw was....yep a baby....a baby girl to be exact she was beautiful....I cried silently as they lead us back to the room where it is most private. They got us settled in and we waited for my Doc. once he came they explained things that may or may not happen to the best that they could. He gave me something to start some contractions...they started within the hour. I watched the rain pour outside my hospital window....it was a gloomy sad day indeed. I only had to dialate to a 5....but once it came time that I had to push him out....I told them no...I won't do this.....I am not going to do this! My nurse was the most patient loving woman she looked at me and said "we will do whatever you what us to do!" I cried and said "I know what I am suppose to do I just can't." I cried some more.....I knew what I had to do and as hard as it was I needed it to be over....because I just set my mind to do it. I cried...no I sobbed....and felt my heart rip from my body in a instant as my sleeping baby boy was born.  Evan Daniel was born asleep on a very rainy Tuesday afternoon. They had asked early on if I wanted him to be placed on my belly....and I could not bear the thought to see that....that was where they laid babies that were crying and alive...I couldn't handle that.....so they took him over to the little crib thing. They cleaned him gently and wrapped him in blanket and the nurse asked if I wanted to see him.....I couldn't I wasn't ready.....I cried.....so she asked me if my Mom could hold him I said "yes"....I looked at my mom holding my sleeping baby boy and.....I cried.  I watched them weigh him 1 lb 3oz......I cried.....but I just could not bring myself to see him yet. And among all of this we were waiting for my placenta to come loose...it never did so they had to take me in to do a D&C to get it out. I made the destion that I need to hold my son before they took me in. The nurse placed him in my arms and....I cried......and I was shocked.....they had said he had stopped growing at 23 weeks...so he didn't look how I thought he would have.

My Evan Daniel

I held my son for 5 minutes until they said "we have to take you back now." I handed him back to the nurse and they took me back to the operating room. All I remember is they put me on the table my Doc. said "you will feel a warming sensation"...I closed my eyes and prayed that I would see my family again that was the last thing I remember. I woke up to someone calling my name...and my hubby looking at me (which I must say was a little freaky...I blame the med's). I ask him how long I had been gone he said "30 minutes"....really that's it. I was told I lost a fair amount of blood but that I would be ok just to take it easy. The nurse came back in and asked if I wanted to see Evan again I told her "no"....she asked if I was sure...and I told her I was. I had made a decision that I didn't want to be one of these women that just can't let go...and if I had held him again I would have been one. She came in one last time that evening and asked again and to just let her know when we were ready to have him picked up by the "place" (you all know the place I mean)...I told her go ahead and call them I don't need to see him again. So she did. I slept uneasy that night...I really hate hospitials I just wanted to go home and be with my family. My Doc. let me go home the next morning.....the nurses told me there was another family on the floor that had just lost their baby...my heart hurt for them. We left the hospital....with empty arms and broken hearts. The nurses gave us this for our son....it was the most wonderful thing.

Memory Box/ see his hands and foot prints

the gown and hat

The blanket

His date of birth, weight, and height

It was the only thing I carried home. In the weeks following we had planned to bury Evan next to my dad. We had him cremated and his daddy made him a box to be placed in.

Evan's box

We had a little service at the graveside. Our closest family and friends joined us that day. I stood at the grave site and watched his daddy bury our little boy........I cried!

Sleeping next to Grandpa